Feelings & Defences: What Are You Really Avoiding?

When you’re busy numbing out your feelings, they’re in the other room doing push-ups
– Caroline Fenkel

 

Let’s be honest—facing our feelings can suck. So we don’t. We scroll. We snack. We keep busy. We dive into work, wine, or someone else’s drama instead. All totally human responses, by the way.

 

Avoiding feelings like loneliness, shame, fear, or anger isn’t just common – it’s often automatic. But every time we dodge those emotions, we’re reinforcing unconscious patterns. These patterns are called defence behaviours, and they can sneak in dressed up as “coping” or even “being productive.”

 

One of my favorite quotes comes from Caroline Fenkel, Executive Director of Newport Academy:

“When you’re busy numbing out your feelings, your feelings are in the other room doing push-ups.”

 

Brilliant, right? Because when you finish your binge-watch or sugar-binge or shopping spree, those feelings come back stronger. Fitter. Ready to fight.

 

What Counts as a Defence?

Almost anything that keeps you from sitting with a feeling long enough to actually feel it. Here’s a run-through of some common ones:

 

• Anger – Sometimes anger is just fear or shame in disguise. It steps in to protect us, but it often keeps us stuck.
  
  
• Addiction – Not just booze or pills. Think: shopping, gaming, work, porn, or endlessly chasing the next distraction.
  
  
• Blame – Shifting the guilt onto someone else lets you dodge discomfort… temporarily.
  
  
• Bullying – When we feel powerless inside, hurting others can feel like taking control. But it’s false power.
  
  
• Busyness – The socially acceptable defence. Being booked and busy might look impressive—but often, it’s just a way to avoid ourselves.
  
  
• Denial – That classic “I’m fine” when you’re clearly not.
  
  
• Distraction – Constantly helping others, obsessively cleaning, doom-scrolling, gossiping… all ways to avoid your own inner world.
  
  
• Humour – If everything’s always a joke, when do we get to be real?
  
  
• Minimising – “It’s no big deal.” “It’s in the past.” Ever said that to yourself instead of processing real pain?
  
  
• Self-Harm – Cutting, binging, purging, reckless sex, or dangerous choices that momentarily numb emotional pain.
  
  
• Spacing Out – Ever leave a convo and realise you didn’t hear a word? That’s disassociation.
  
  
• Substance Abuse – The classic go-to for numbing instead of feeling.
  
  
• Withdrawal – Isolating yourself when things get tough instead of reaching out.
  
  

So… What’s Your Go-To?

 

Here’s your growth invitation: start noticing your own defences. Ask yourself,
“What was I doing or feeling just before I reached for that coping mechanism?”

 

Journaling this can be a game-changer. You’re not judging yourself—you’re getting curious. Noticing. Naming. That’s where the healing begins.

 

Sometimes, Defences Are Useful—In the Moment

 

Let’s not pretend you’re going to cry it out in the office bathroom stall every time you’re triggered. Sometimes hitting ‘snooze’ on a big emotion is smart. You just need to come back to it. Put a pin in it—don’t bury it.

 

That rage? It’ll still be there when you’re safely home. That shame spiral? Journal it out when you’re not on a Zoom call.

 

The key is conscious use of your defences, not letting them run the show in the background.

 

Lesson:
Start identifying your defence behaviours, write them down, and be honest (but kind) with yourself. Awareness isn’t about blame—it’s about choice.