When Arguing with Your Thoughts Stops Working

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Defusion is about stepping back and seeing the thought
as just that, a thought.
– Dave Jarrold

Do you ever get stuck trying to argue with your brain?

It can go like:

“I’m useless.” “No you’re not!” “Yes I am.  Here’s Exhibit A: That one awkward conversation in 2014.”

At a certain point, CBT meets a limit and sometimes no amount of logical reasoning shifts the emotional weight of a thought.

That’s where ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) comes in.

 

So what is ACT?

ACT is part of the “third wave” of CBT approaches.

It doesn’t try to get rid of difficult thoughts and feelings, it just helps us change our relationship with them.

The key message?

 

You don’t need to control your thoughts and feelings to live a meaningful life.

ACT is less about battling your mind and more about making room for it, then committing to what matters.

 

Six core processes (but make it human)

ACT has six key elements, but I won’t get too textbooky.  They boil down to three main ideas:

 

1. Be present

Like mindfulness, but without needing to sit cross-legged on a hill at sunrise. It’s about noticing what’s happening in the here-and-now rather than getting tangled in mental time travel (aka “regret and worry”).

 

2. Open up

Instead of trying to suppress or control uncomfortable emotions, ACT encourages acceptance.  Not in the “this is fine” meme kind of way, but in a “this is what’s here, can I make space for it?” way.

 

3. Do what matters

ACT brings values front and centre.  If you’ve ever felt stuck but didn’t know what direction to move in, this is the compass.

Together, these ideas help you live with more flexibility, even when your brain is being a bit… loud.

 

Cognitive defusion: the opposite of fusing with your thoughts

One of my favourite ACT skills is called defusion.  Not diffusion, like making tea.  De-fusion, as in, un-fusing.

When we’re fused with a thought, we treat it like The Truth:

“I’m rubbish.” = Reality.

Defusion is about stepping back and seeing the thought as just that, a thought.

Try saying:

“I’m having the thought that I’m rubbish.” …which sounds daft, but it creates a tiny bit of distance.  Enough to breathe.  Enough to choose.

Another good one?

“Thanks, mind.”

Your brain throws up “You’re a fraud,” and instead of launching into a rebuttal or spiralling into shame, you say:

“Thanks mind.  Very creative.  Bit harsh today, but okay.”

We’re not invalidating the feeling.  We’re just not letting it drive the car.

 

Why ACT matters in therapy (and life)

ACT is especially helpful when:

  • Thoughts feel sticky and repetitive
  • Emotions feel overwhelming
  • Trying to “think your way out” isn’t cutting it
  • You’re stuck in avoidance cycles
  • You’re craving more meaning or direction

It’s less about changing your content and more about shifting your context. And that shift can be incredibly freeing.

 

My own ACT moment

Recently I caught myself thinking,

“You’re not cut out for this therapist lark.”

And instead of launching into a CBT-style thought challenge, I paused.

“I’m having the thought that I’m not cut out for this.  And I feel scared.  And I care deeply about doing this well.”

I made space for the thought.  Took a breath.  Wrote the article anyway.

Not because I’d banished the doubt.  But because I’d chosen to act in line with my values.

 

Final thought from the ACT angle

ACT doesn’t promise to fix your feelings.  It invites you to stop fighting them so you can start living.

It’s compassionate, flexible, and beautifully human.  Like a wise friend who says, “Yes, it’s hard. And yes, you can still do what matters.”

 

 

Dave Jarrold is a therapist in training who shares grounded, real-world insights to help people better understand their thoughts, emotions, and patterns. Alongside his training, he works to support charity teams in reducing overwhelm and building sustainable ways of working.



You can find more of his writing on LinkedIn.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/davejarrold/